If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
