Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
