i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
