I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
