i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
