My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
