You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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