i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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