and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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