that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
