You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
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every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.