remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.