I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
