Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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