you traded sex for a burrito?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He did a backflip because drugs
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