I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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