What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
