you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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