Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
