Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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