I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
barbara walters just said penis...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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