sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
