what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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