that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
