every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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