the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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