And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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