I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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