Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
