IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
