Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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