He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize