Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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