i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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