Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
