What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
