I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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