You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
