Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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