i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
