i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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