I puked a lego.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
