I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
