Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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