I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
