Your dad touched me again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
