I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
