im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
28 Completely Safe For Work Pictures Of Genitals
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.