at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
