my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
