There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
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I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool