after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
