Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
