I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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