i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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