flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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