I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
